Dichotomy

“Beware the sign on the door suggests, I’m better off with artificial intelligence.” Consider yourself warned.

I begin this blog, almost entirely in reference to a blog from 1 year ago asking the question: What does a feminist mother look like? posted by the intriguing bluemilk.(http://bluemilk.wordpress.com/2007/10/29/what-does-a-feminist-mother-look-like/)

1.How would you describe your feminism in one sentence? When did you become a feminist? Was it before or after you became a mother?

I am incapable of describing my trip to the grocery store in one sentence so doing so with something as complex as my own personal thoughts on feminism is a bit too daunting to take seriously, therefore I answer with this phrase: Treating others the way you wish to be treated is the way to a respectful society and I try my very best to live by that rule.

 

As for when I became a feminist I believe I was practically born one. I was raised to know I was capable of doing anything that a male can do.  I am from a line of strong willed, stubborn women who were the heads of their respective households. My parents instilled in me from a young age that I could accomplish anything, as long as I stuck to it. I was never held back as a child because of my gender, so when confronted with this idea that my genitals made me somehow inferior I bristled, fought back and rejected such nonsense. 

Thus, this was obviously during my pre-breeding years.

 

2. What has surprised you most about motherhood?

The fact that I am compentent at it.  My biggest fear during pregnancy was that I wouldn’t be able to cut the mustard. 

3. How has your feminism changed over time? What is the impact of motherhood on your feminism?

Having my sons has enabled me to see the male point of view in a different light. It has allowed me to see that the tight little boxes that society places both genders in and how in order to achieve gender equality, both male and female must be freed from their confines to explore the world without boundaries.

4. What makes your mothering feminist? How does your approach differ from a non-feminist mother’s? How does feminism impact upon your parenting?

I’m raising my boys to not define things through gender.  Toys, colors, hair styles and clothing are  objects and therefore are not assigned a gender.  The baby dolls and play kitchen reside peacefully near the matchbox cars and dinosaurs. The purple shirt is worn with the same appreciation as the blue. 

(I do recognize that we have made this is easier for ourselves with our lack of tv for the kids and Waldorf school.)

5. Do you ever feel compromised as a feminist mother? Do you ever feel you’ve failed as a feminist mother?

I felt compromised when I stayed home with my first child.  I felt like because I wasn’t contributing monetarily that I was not acting as an equal partner in our marriage, but allowing my husband to take care of me.  After awhile, the unique challenges of being a stay at home parent came to light and I realized that the part I was doing was very valuable, only in a different way.

6. Has identifying as a feminist mother ever been difficult? Why?

After our first son was born, I had trouble identifying as a mother, period.  I was twenty one years old and the enormity of being responsible for another human being was something I couldn’t quite grasp for a long time. I struggled with my identity more in that all of my friends were out drinking every night and I had a family and was fairly settled down.

7. Motherhood involves sacrifice, how do you reconcile that with being a feminist?

Parenting involves sacrifice.  My husband and I chose to become parents and with that choice we have both made sacrifices. Including but not limited to a full nights sleep, extra spending money and time to waste.

Feminism too involves sacrifice.  Equality is not gained without work, by sitting by and doing nothing results in nothing.  I don’t feel that Feminist and Mother are roles exclusive to one another.  Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Lucy Stone, and Mary Wollstonecraft were all mothers.  If they can push work towards the basic right of ownership and the right to vote while raising a kid or two, I think I can handle furthering the cause as a mother myself.

8. If you have a partner, how does your partner feel about your feminist motherhood? What is the impact of your feminism on your partner? 

I don’t believe my husband has ever thought of it as “feminist motherhood” (frankly, neither did I until I read Bluemilk’s Oct 2007 entry), but he’s always been completely into being an equal partner to me. No macho pandering of “I’m going to take care of you.”  No disparaging remarks about “Your son is crying.”  He just jumped in and started changing diapers, from the first one on.

My husband and I share all responsibilities equally.  We both work outside of the home opposite shifts so that we can equally share responsibility for the kids.  My children are being raised to think that chores like laundry and cooking are not “women’s work” but just “work” that needs to be done.  As a couple we are a team, no one’s work is more important than the other’s, mainly because we do the exact same work.

9.  If you’re an attachment parenting mother, what challenges if any does this pose for your feminism and how have you resolved them?

The only challenge with attachment parenting I have found, is that it does skew the division of child rearing when I am at home, ie: I breastfeed therefore when off work I do 100% of the baby feeding.  However since I work out of the home, over the span of the week we’re doing about 50/50.

Mainly I feel the way I parent by kids, with respect to them as individuals strengthens my feminism.  I am bringing up the next generation, if they remember all I have taught them, when they become men they will be proponets of women’s rights (just like their father) and will effect those around them.  I also feel that breastfeeding in public works toward normalizing breastfeeding, which helps to push forward legislation (in addition to my letter writing) that protects a woman’s right to take care of her child as she sees fit.

10. Do you feel feminism has failed mothers and if so how? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers?

I think that feminism fails mothers only in the way that many modern feminists think of motherhood.  We need to do an “image upgrade” – gone are the days in which motherhood meant you had only the option of staying at home and keeping house.  Feminism is about having all the same options as men, what exemplifies that more than having the option of both career and family?

Personally, I can’t see how a mother can not be a feminist. How could you look into your daughter or son’s eyes and not want to work for a better world?  Being a mother and being a feminist is not a dichotomy, they go hand and hand.

 

So in conclusion a Feminist mother looks like this:

and this: